Elliot Dawsey-Richardson

"I write, draw, guitar, bass, sing a little, and more. Sorry, none of my drawings or songs are on here right now, but you can find my writing below."

Not Today Jesus

Thought I heard God's voice in the car
my name tangled up in the wind
stereo on mute
no one said anythin’
Herod slaughtered many firstborns
trying to find Christ
I coulda been one of those kids
back in Jesus’ times
I’ve bowed before the crucifixion
got baptized in a bin
felt the love of God
and certainly the sin
Amen to hipster christian rock
the wannabe-Decemberists
I remember the sound booth
and that spot where the organ sits
Most these folks are angels
but there’s that devil by my side
while I’m crouching in the pews
just tryna pass the time
That devil is impatient
disdains small conversation
keeps pulling me out of my
begrudged cooperation

Church is inherently mortal
I once knew a woman with a tumor
who turned 6 months into 6 years
We picked walnuts last time I saw her
If you preach a children’s sermon
centered ‘round “not fearing the reaper”
you sadly might pass
a week or so later
I did not make the rules
I question the God that did
if he gives so much
why do I so often find him takin’
Presbyterian law has not been cruel
to me alone
but does confuse me
compared to others, inordinately
These are casserole-realists
who can’t help the chaos
but still show up with dishes
and gifts bought from kiosks

despite the desolation
Am I the only one
around these parts
who sees it like it is?
Who drowns in the loss
resigns to despondency
We’re not even lutherans
yet I’m on my knees
Of course I’ve seen miracles
a clearer sign of the bugs in my circuitry
just thinking about the things
about which no one wants to be thinking
Waiting in the communion line
like a sacrificial lamb
Everyone drinks water
but I just see the dam
Christ’s dove did once come
with olive branch extended
but on that day I missed the memo
don’t think I attended

Domestic

I will keep
smashing ice
until my fingers cramp
from the grip of my mallet

I will keep
sitting out here
'til I figure out what I what

I'm forcing that icy dust
into the holes in the concrete
croaking some song

I stamp ash
into the holes
where that ice once was

My foot slides upon
that soot like
kcrssshhhhhkshkkkkshhhh

I feel worse about the ash
though I guess it's all the same
same backyard, different house

I’m not in San Diego now, not on Madison Avenue anymore, my ash goes into the trash or the ashtray I was gifted by my dear one, I seldom use ice in my own space. I think to myself again and again and again and again and again about home and the backyard. Do I miss home and the backyard? Home can be my fixation, it clouds my thoughts and gets under my skin but all is quiet on the western front

I'm feeling strung up about
the change that don't stop coming
let me wear old shoes and forget

I don't like to write about us
what I write about has
brought me anguish

Some things
are just pure and
I am trying to keep them that way

I am equipped to drive that ancient vehicle but it did not join me in my escapade upstate. My vision is clear but my perception of time is ever-blurred. It has smeared. Windshield wipers always leave remnants like leaves on the glass, bugs on the glass, as they squeak across. Thinking always leaves remnants of my own neuroses left floating around in the deep tangle of my psyche

Is that binder of Thomas Jefferson
finally coming
to get me?

I can't hear shit
over this
cold metal hum

I'm putting up my shield.
Sorry you couldn't
make me laugh

All of my friends have old dogs. Jethro is fifteen. Is this the year our dogs go? Heart goes pitter-patter. We quietly wait. Someday my kid might have an old dog. Will I feel the same way my father feels? I doubt it because I lack that stoicism no matter how hard I try to force it. Especially when we talk about Jethro. Different strokes, same pool

I miss the
overgrown detritus of the
lot before we got to March 2024

Let me paint you a picture:
green and pink
in that specific succelent southern californian way

Scathed CDs littering
that cracked ground
at the garage spot

If you’ve lived in many homes, then you remember them distinctly and sometimes have trouble distinguishing moments in them. Sweating in which garage? Crying in which bathroom? Laughing at which table?

I'm ashamed of what I don't mean
but more ashamed
of what I do

Lethargic and
serpentine
bleeding in the bathroom sink

I don't know how not to see the whole picture
how to condemn in bits and chunks
how to not set the whole thing on fire

When the tar is lit and only one part of the roof caves in the firefighters will deal the rest of the damage yielding foaming hoses it’s why they put on their hats in the morning and slide down that pole so that they can hand dad bottles of hard liquor joking/not joking “you’re going to need this” and my dad is majorly disciplined but I do think he needed it

Barbaric

Clenching giant claymore with an iron fist
When you wield, swing low, pierce true, don’t miss

Isn’t all time borrowed from a future self
‘cause you were selfish in the moment and you knew you couldn’t help it

September 21, 2024

I’m sweating and my nerves
and the Subaru with the comparatively nicer bass
but also the general quality is nicer

There’s a fine line between disassociating and focusing
like there’s a fine line between all these cars and bikes and people
and between me and the people

September 10, 2024

To the things that control me
sic semper tyrannis
glad to discard dead seeds I’ve planted

I cut through you with a machete
I didn’t know how to wield it
It’s 2024 and I’m a kamikaze fighter
I always have been

September 8, 2024

I said “let me know when you are her”
she said “let me know when you are here”
so I took off with my headphones
blasting B-Boys’ Paul Revere

Distract myself with tunes
or pipe hits in the moon

I lost my sense of service
and what little sense of grace
I tripped too hard while running
scratched up and out of pace

Disqualified from the race
bashful in the face

September 6, 2024

Googling James Harden
on a weeknight
I'm pathetic
and can't act right
Apathetic
in a fist fight
I don't know that I'd win

I'm learning to be okay with myself even when
I can't seem to just get it
though do I know what "it" is?
Pray the pills will get me right
help me fall asleep at night
(because drowsiness is a side effect and
I tend to have trouble sleeping)

I like security
I wish I was better at creating it for myself
I relish my Casio
I might never replace it